Unhinged

I’m unwell at the moment. I’m highly unstable. You see, I went off of my meds about a week ago. I stopped taking those vital little pills that keep me sane. Why did I do this, you ask? I wanted to change the way I felt. I was miserable. I was utterly suicidal and ready […]

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Asking for Help

My sponsor gave me a gold star for reaching out for help today. Quite literally, too. She sent me a gif of a glittering gold star. I spoke up at my meeting tonight and told everyone what’s been going on with me. I feel like I hijacked the meeting because it swiftly turned into a […]

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Suicide Plan Interrupted

I made a plan to kill myself tonight. It was rock solid, too. Thankfully – or unfortunately (I haven’t decided which yet) – I talked myself out of it. I wrote a note and everything. I thought I was ready to go. Things were all in order for me to go, I just had to […]

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Daily Emotion: Rage

I know how badly I fucked up, and I’m consumed by guilt and hatred towards myself. But I’m mostly just angry. I think anger is my coping skill. It is my way of protecting myself from the overwhelming sadness I feel. It’s much easier to be angry. My anger is clearly turned inwards, but lately […]

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That Bullshit Miracle of Recovery

Everyone talks about all the miracles that happen once you’re in recovery. They talk about the first year clean as though it was an amazing experience. Well I’m calling bullshit. I’m in recovery and nothing good has come from it. No miracles have happened in my life. And things are actually worse than when I […]

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Melancholy

That’s how I feel today. My boyfriend gave me the greatest pep talk last night. He told me that I can’t just sit around and feel sad all the time – I have to take action to fix the things I’m sad about. It was truly inspirational. His words seemed so simple, and yet it’s […]

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Suicidal

I’m in pain. I feel like I have destroyed my life. And it’s put me in a dark place. I’ve been researching the toxicity levels of my various medications to determine if I have enough to kill myself. Turns out I probably don’t. The only thing stopping me from going out and getting something that […]

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